This Love We Are Learning Will Never Die... |
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I wake up every day and my pink alarm clock screams at me so loud my fist hits it so hard and I hate it so much because
it means that I have to get my feet to the itchy carpet and push with my legs till im standing and walk to the bathroom and
pee and then start my day in a hurry, always in a hurry. When im feeling unrushed it’s because it’s fake and only
lasts for a moment, how funny things come and go except a few things that matter like friendship love and faith. love, this
new word which I have used for any words but never new what such words actually felt like, love is actions, love is sleeping
sound, love is your face love is your laugh and mine colliding. love in kissing but not for too long to not get carried away
love is when my feet are aching all day and smelly but you still offer to rub them and even though unembarrassed I let you...love
is 15 dollars to drive to Sacramento and telling the truth when it hurts and I love this love and I want this love with everyone
in my life unconditional...I never new what love was until I knew I hadn’t a clue what love was now I feel as if my
heart might blow my chest I want to love everyone around me and especially those that matter most, especially the one they
say is a ghost but I know he is living because he taught me this love this awesome love and now im trying to love myself but
that is the hardest part, I never used to fail until lately, all I do is fail but im learning and my alarm clock is getting
less annoying but still makes me bitter, I never play guitar I used to do that, I never hug my dad enough, I love him so much
ive seen him grow so much in the last year, don’t give up dad please stay on track I need a track in a positive direction
with this family just once don’t make me move out move on move in to the future without you like I want to do with mom
and mom don’t say a single word cause im trying to love you even though you withheld the knowledge of how to do that,
mom when my boyfriend hugs me I feel weird because you never taught me how to accept this type of love that he’s giving
to me you never thought me that...but im trying to forgive you so I will stop. how great would it be if I could show you love
and you wouldn’t even know what hit you because you would have no concept of this prior event....how great would that
be....how unrealistic am I? im not sure, im to shy to guess because if I take one more leap of faith with you I might soar
to the bottom of the greatest ocean so low that my ear drums blow out and I will be so deep I cannot hear that bellowing alarm
clock when it goes off so early in the morning....but I wont because I am learning to float, that’s a big part of love,
a big part of love is a kiss and a hug not a fist and a shove, im learning this....and that is what love is for....for learning
because if we can learn how to love we can learn how to change lives....and changed lives are changed forever if the impact
is great enough but I am just so full off words, of prayers, of thoughts, of frustrations, of emotions and im so full of love....love....what
a great word to finally understand...love.
That night I was not myself. I was bold and frustrated. Never thought that I would ask, What I wanted to seek out for so long. Outside my heart thumped so dangerously, Words were spilling unto the ground. Tears of black falling onto my chin. Like sorrow was releasing from within. First, I thought it was over, In the end, it is okay. Or is it? Now I am anxious, Not entirely confused anymore. Even writing this is too hard. To express what I felt that night. Then I wonder, if this is what God wants. Am I acting selfish? And passing them off for his will?
Jaw
dropping information, Heart
slashing situation. Open
the door for her, Close
the door of our past. Honestly,
be honest with me. Now,
do I let you go? Should
I try and give up? Tear
drenching exasperation. Scream
releasing infection. Call
her up, Hang
up my life line. Honestly,
be honest with me. What
do I do? Attempt
to forget about you?
My sight lies on those whose eyes are covered. I want to forget all these insignificants. No longer to put on a show that is plastic. Honesty and less anxiousness are needed intensely.
These paths I lead myself, Now Im not in perfect health. Please free me from my sin, Please heal me from within. I am awkward; I am afraid, I am ashamed; I am delayed. Please hold me in your arms again, Continually you prove youre my only friend. The more I grow; you make me white as snow. Please help me now Im in need, Help me move on from these deeds. I know weve been here before, I need forgiveness once more. Im crying cause I hate myself, Taking advantage of your wealth. Please hold my hand, While I walk through temptations on land. I am helpless; I am captive, I am worthless; I am vapid. Please touch my heart, I dont want to part. Ever again cause when I do, Like now I cry to you.
sleep I want to dream forever, I want insensibility till death. Dont wake me if my eyes are closed. Dont shake me if I dont respond, Cause REM is what I lust for. When Im sailing in my thoughts, No one can tell me what is just. There is no concept of whats right. When I feel in love, Is in my bed at night. In this state I can never feel left behind, When I drift away your always mine. In this somnolence my family and i can never part, Trance to slumber fill my heart.
october 29th, 2003 Today I am giving up and giving in, I will no longer seek out your sin. I forfeit all my emotions to the sky, And forget all the looks in your eye. Beauty and laughter is not always happiness, I want to change to careless instead of helpless. I envision the days or tomorrow, And I no longer wallow in sorrow. Love doesnt have to be my only mission, With or without Im no longer wishing. Whatever is supposed to happen can, Because today I close my eyes for you to lead me on my lifes plan.
The
Girls I know October 28th, 2003 Sitting
in the shadows, A
knife in her hands. Cutting
slowly into her flesh, She
feels the adrenalin release. The
liquid red shows that she's real, The
scars will remind her how she feels. Pain
becomes vivid with blood, So
many tears have seen, The
depression in her veins. Long
sleeves may cover her obsession, Her
minds memories never can fade. Please
save me, please help me. I
dont want to die but I dont want to cry. Alone
I fall to the depths of depression. In
her room her heart races and she debates, She
see's death as her only answer, Desperation
and pessimism eats her like cancer. Pills
and alcohol are filling her system, Palms
up and open mouth she drifts, To
be found by those who care not. I
have nothing left to give, There
is nothing left to take, So
forget my life for your sake. Too
many drugs have taken over, And
now a blanket of confusion lies, What
is real and is she fake, She
cant give but only take, She
cant go back she cant go on, Distorted
images in her mind play like a marathon LSD
is her lover, How
can she live with out? I
dont have a problem, Its
the world thats corrupt, I can seize when I wish
too.
Id like to dedicate this song, To whom Ive hated for so long. Now that I have found out, What giving forgiveness is all about. Now I really see, How hard love can be. Lets forget the past, We both know this friendship was meant to last. In the future, Lets be mature. Please dont go away again, Girl you know I want you as my friend. We can go to Dennys to have a talk, We can go down town and take a walk. Like the kind we used to take, My smiles for you arent fake. You cant die on me, We can both flee, The proximity, Of society. Life can only suck for so long till its better, Im sorry that I wouldnt read your letter. But now that I have I know, That I love you so please dont go.
Im gonna die without a kiss from him, thats my biggest fear Its a horror if I have to wait another year. My knees will get so weak I will melt, And my lips will tell you how ive felt. When its that perfect time, I will sigh and youll be mine. My hands will shake and probably tingle, Cause you will no longer be single. We will come together and be one, So kiss me when you feel your intuition. In that moment I wont have to worry, Even though my emotions will be fantastic and blurry. I might have to get on my tip toes to reach your lips, But you can just hold me by my hips. So dont wait forever to bring me such ecstasy, The day that you and I will be we. Rock Stars October 22ed, 2003. You play and instrument for your own glory, Ive seen your kind so many times I know your story. Care more about your hair than the way your music sounds, You play with girls hearts and
turn their smiles into frowns. Im not the kind of girl to care whom with you associate, Stop pretending that you know me and that we can relate. So, stop asking me out, Im gonna say no. Stop bragging to me, I still wont go. I dont care than you bought new shoes or a new car, I wish that you would run away some place real far. Why dont you like someone who worships you? Id rather love someone whose heart is true. You want to be a starving artist, Id like it for you to meet my fist. So, stop asking me out, Im never gonna be a prize, Stop talking to me, Its you that I despise. Youre not my type cause I dont date ego maniacs, Youre not my style cause you never seem to relax.
Questions that can never be answered... How come we get to vote on everything but who we kill, How come those who are sick are left ill? The answers to these questions I do not hold, Blame belongs to those with positions of gold. Blood lost over who belongs in heaven, Planes and buildings blowing up on 9-11. Who can defend these acts? Who can mend these cracks? 2050 Twelve billion will breathe on earth, How then shall a man show his worth? Did we forget how We fight the system we provided with an attack. Did we forget when Despite No one is faultless in a system of war, Its easy to promote when its never been out side our front door. You may think these thoughts importune, Yet hatred can never stop too soon. Take a second look at the guise, You may find your state of surprise.
I
cant help feeling helpless, Im
overwhelmed by you. The
chance that you might feel the same, Is
whats killing me. Now
I know what every sad song was talking about. Now
heart break is something I understand. I
wont give up on this. Cause
ive liked you for so long. Other
girls may like you now, But
I will forever. Marry
me, ill make you happy. Love
me, ill never stop loving you. Just
tell me how you feel. You
are the first thought in the morning, And
the one I dream about at night
I like you. 7 days since i saw you but it
feels like a year. havent heard your voice and
5 more minutes without i do fear. i just want to get close to
you again, i want you and its geting harder
to pretend. te-te-te-tell me that you
like me. cause i like you, yeah i
like you. ki-ki-ki-kiss me, te-te-te-tell me that you
like me. cause i like you, yeah i
like you. imagine what itd be like to
hear you say... that you want me like i want
you, that youd love to date me too. te-te-te-tell me that you
like me. cause i like you, yeah i
like you. la-la-la-laugh with me, cause i like you, yeah i
like you. every night, a new face. every night, a new place. nothing of
substance, creates a
vapid air. no talk of
love, creates a
solid stare. take me but
dont leave me. hold me for
the long run. at the time
you feel free, really its a captive state to be. every second
its a crying plea. A new found feeling. All this time Ive felt so empty and cold, Never thought my soul could be sold. Filled with awkward confidence, Now overcome by repentance. It was you that I needed, You I deleted, Now Im completed. Joy in my hearts been planted, All my life I took for granted. Viewing through new eyes, Loving what I tried to despise.
how did
i learn to become the way i am today, what kind
of choices made me this way? help me
to breathe, someone...anyone....please...help
me. the daze
feeling in the morning, the haze
in my eyes at night. the thoughts
being this way forever, the chance
happiness being severed. in destittude
or in the city, people
only show you pitty. help me
to breathe, someone...anyone....please...help
me. the grass
is dead here, the grass is dead on the otherside. and this
is where i stand, i stand alone, i will always, forever alone. and this
is where i fall today, air rushing past me and i collapse, i fall alone, forever alone. September 27th 2003 Think back to When people still worked
through blood, sweat and tears. Minorities still slept
with fear, Society was driven
with Christianity as its steer. Women still had no rights, The states were at
war in a blood filled fight. Today the people complain
but dont vote, Fill there life with glamour
trying to find the right anecdote. Millions still die of
starvation over seas, But Vast majorities die from
cigarettes, Phillip Morris has no
regrets. Alcohol causing most suicide, Yet mellow marijuana is
still denied. The "war on drugs"
is a fallacy Realistically, a
war on non conformists who see differently. President McKinley
tried to break the people, Force them under his power
and steeple.
Generation Unfolding. Her whole life she was down on here knees to pray, But now shes on them in a different way. Daddies little girl turned away, Mommys sweet angel turned astray. Obsession without discression, Choices without reflection. Little girl dont throw away your life, Little girl dont hold the knife. You have your whole life to live, Be careful with the pieces you give. Her family is blinded by the lies she tells, Living in a house where no one yells. If you cant see the problem its not there, Little girl living without a care. Dont just spread your legs, And fill your life with smoke and kegs. Little girl dont throw away your life, Little girl dont hold the knife. You have your whole life to live, Be careful with the pieces you give.
The Distance Im tired of feeling everything is out of reach, Im sick of feeling distanced from you, Im frustrated that I have no where to run. I want to be near you. I want to be near anyone. I wish to be free of this. I wish to feel your soft kiss. Someone come, and rescue me. I need to find a way to flee.
The rose is a thorn. Wishing you could not care, You hide and ask why people stare. Every time you try to stand, Your knees bend and you fall. Unnecessary to fake being strong, Its okay to admit that you are wrong. Dont fit into there perfect mold, Open your arms and embrace your self. Open your eyes and see your flaws. When you find out what needs to change, Then you can truly be free to smile. You do not need my permission to be free of this, We both got caught up in the wrong things. I have moved on and so should you. Let your anger go, Let your inner soul show. Soak up every moment and you will see, That living is not just running in circles. Be a Rose , not a thorn.
Summer Many
times I find myself, Going
against what I've been told is best. But
now that I know you, Im
overcome with restlessness. I
hold hope in my heart, And
wipe another tear. Knowing
this wont work, Is
more of a notion than a fear. My
loneliness was stolen by your smile. For now I will dream of you.
A Moment More My chest beats like a drum at the sound of you. Every instant is waiting to be with you. My smile is stretching when I think of you. I get chills and sigh at the thought of you. My eyes wish to see the bliss of you. I pray just to kiss you. .I would faint at the chance to be near you. My heart will never be without you.I
am afraid I wont see you fast enough. Im frightened you will loose hope so be tough. I wish you could console me more. I want you to know I'll wait forever and a moment more.My
soul skips to hear the laugh of you. Eyes have weaped from the absence of you. I float on air when I talk with you. Mind and heart are in love with you Give anything to touch you. Sleep fills my mind with dreams of you. Please say I can be with you. It should be love just me and you.I
am afraid I will not see you fast enough. Im frightened you will loose sight so be tough. I wish you could console me more. I want you to know I'll wait forever and a moment more.
bah bah blacksheep, talk
about your fake Suicide , hope everyone
will run to your side. teenage politics
but no ones vote counts but yours, your on the team
but no one scores. according to
you the poor and meek should die and fall, if only you could
see how your brain is so small. you hate who
is smarter than you, somone who acually
knows two plus two. true friends
do not stab you in the back, true friends
do not even own a knife. if youd check
out the statistics, no one cares
about your dramatics. those who usually
need attention most, stand quietly
by like a ghost.
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Wispered Words Now Told
a piece of me died
today, ii just weaped with no
words to say. i feel so alone, my heart was just thrown i know im not your girl, but it almost felt that
way. a tear is falling, all i hear is betray. im not going to feel
better tommrow, or the day fter that
will be sorrow. you were the first guy
i ever trusted, please tell me this isnt
true. i should have known you
were too nice, now my soul pays the
price. my heart hurts,
i cant breathe. my eyes sting, i can't see. I couldn't belive my
ears today, i was stunned with nothing
to say. I guess this is my fault
for caring, but theres no one worth
compairing. its the feeling when
someone cutts you deep, a wound forever i shall
keep. so next time you kiss
her lips, i hope that you feel
like this. my heart hurts, i cant
breathe. my eyes sting, i can't see. |
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Untitled The Beautiful risk of seeing your face, the kiss no other lips could replace. I hate this feeling of friendship, when I know I'm wanting more, but is it ever possible... i feel my heart is tore. you ask me why I moved away, but there are no more sad words to say. i cannot help where i lye, to this love i wish not to say goodbye. i do not know what the future holds, but i hope its you holding me in the cold. should i be happy your my friend, or feel devistation that that's where it might end....
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