This Love We Are Learning Will Never Die...

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I wake up every day and my pink alarm clock screams at me so loud my fist hits it so hard and I hate it so much because it means that I have to get my feet to the itchy carpet and push with my legs till im standing and walk to the bathroom and pee and then start my day in a hurry, always in a hurry. When im feeling unrushed it’s because it’s fake and only lasts for a moment, how funny things come and go except a few things that matter like friendship love and faith. love, this new word which I have used for any words but never new what such words actually felt like, love is actions, love is sleeping sound, love is your face love is your laugh and mine colliding. love in kissing but not for too long to not get carried away love is when my feet are aching all day and smelly but you still offer to rub them and even though unembarrassed I let is 15 dollars to drive to Sacramento and telling the truth when it hurts and I love this love and I want this love with everyone in my life unconditional...I never new what love was until I knew I hadn’t a clue what love was now I feel as if my heart might blow my chest I want to love everyone around me and especially those that matter most, especially the one they say is a ghost but I know he is living because he taught me this love this awesome love and now im trying to love myself but that is the hardest part, I never used to fail until lately, all I do is fail but im learning and my alarm clock is getting less annoying but still makes me bitter, I never play guitar I used to do that, I never hug my dad enough, I love him so much ive seen him grow so much in the last year, don’t give up dad please stay on track I need a track in a positive direction with this family just once don’t make me move out move on move in to the future without you like I want to do with mom and mom don’t say a single word cause im trying to love you even though you withheld the knowledge of how to do that, mom when my boyfriend hugs me I feel weird because you never taught me how to accept this type of love that he’s giving to me you never thought me that...but im trying to forgive you so I will stop. how great would it be if I could show you love and you wouldn’t even know what hit you because you would have no concept of this prior great would that unrealistic am I? im not sure, im to shy to guess because if I take one more leap of faith with you I might soar to the bottom of the greatest ocean so low that my ear drums blow out and I will be so deep I cannot hear that bellowing alarm clock when it goes off so early in the morning....but I wont because I am learning to float, that’s a big part of love, a big part of love is a kiss and a hug not a fist and a shove, im learning this....and that is what love is for....for learning because if we can learn how to love we can learn how to change lives....and changed lives are changed forever if the impact is great enough but I am just so full off words, of prayers, of thoughts, of frustrations, of emotions and im so full of a great word to finally



ive come to the point,
i know what i want,
how i can recive this gift...
it's the wiating part.
but no matter what
ill keep looking up
because you keep me from looking away

april 21st
I get so frusterated,
everyone is picking at me...
or so i feel.
am i wasting time once again,
with people who only pretend
and could care less about being a friend.
my heart should tell my mouth to be silent.
cause I dont feel the way I speak.
my  lips should shut forever,
because my mistakes arnt worth it to repeat.
I get so sad and lonely,
no one wants to be around me...
or so i feel.
am i wasting time again,
preparing myself to loose again.
killing my esteam once again...

Tuesday April 6th
Use you as another test
see how far from grace i can get
selfishness weighs my heart
so torn, i know whats best.
so broken, you know the rest.
Use my body as a forefit
see how lost i can get
how deeply i can loose my soul to regret.

Sunday April 4th 2004
Trusting you with all I have,
so easy to say
so hard to do.
Loving you completly,
so easy to wish,
so hard to come through.
But tonight, I'll see you tonight.
Everything inside me I'll share with you tonight.
Your light, so bright,
everything behind me I'll forget and move on tonight.

Nothing is what is seems,
 when I'm with you it seems I'm falling.
Everyone is changing,
 nothing I would change about you.
Nobody is honest,
honestly nobody matters.

That night I was not myself.

I was bold and frustrated.

Never thought that I would ask,

What I wanted to seek out for so long.

Outside my heart thumped so dangerously,

Words were spilling unto the ground.

Tears of black falling onto my chin.

Like sorrow was releasing from within.

First, I thought it was over,

In the end, it is okay.

Or is it?

Now I am anxious,

Not entirely confused anymore.

Even writing this is too hard.

To express what I felt that night.

Then I wonder, if this is what God wants.

Am I acting selfish?

And passing them off for his will?

Jaw dropping information,

Heart slashing situation.

Open the door for her,

Close the door of our past.

Honestly, be honest with me.


Now, do I let you go?

Should I try and give up?


Tear drenching exasperation.

Scream releasing infection.

Call her up,

Hang up my life line.

Honestly, be honest with me.


What do I do?

Attempt to forget about you?

december ninth 2003
dizzy and heat, jittering and babbling
i am never in control.
bow my head, and let it all go.
spinning, breathless, defeated and rambling.
i must learn to trust.
on my knees, and let honest tears flow.

My sight lies on those whose eyes are covered.

I want to forget all these insignificants.

No longer to put on a show that is plastic.

Honesty and less anxiousness are needed intensely.

your face is sunny skys,
i have to squint,
so your awe dosent take over my eyes.
your smile is outerspace,
i have to breathe,
so i can feel your pace.
your laughter is christmas bells,
i have to listen,
try to hold what my lips want to tell

it came to me in a dream,
then i called and it was true,
something had happened to you.
in a hospital,
these words are fake to me,
possibly to die,
things like this are not reality.
its so hard to love you,
harder to loose you.
nobody cared...nobody dared, to ask me...
how ive been feeling about this.
what if you had not been released,
if i could never see you.
what would i do besides die inside.
all hope would be lost.
black and silver shades as i close my eyes,
hatred and confusion are my disguise,
yet i knew how i felt, with an act i didn't lack,
no one ever taught me how to act...
when you hear these words, when you feel this rush of overwelming surprise.
so i sat on the ground and wrote these things down.
in the end a conclution will never be found or put together.
i wish you were here to listen....

I Am In Need November 11th, 2003

These paths I lead myself,

 Now Im not in perfect health.

Please free me from my sin,

Please heal me from within.

  I am awkward; I am afraid,

I am ashamed; I am delayed.

Please hold me in your arms again,

Continually you prove youre my only friend.

The more I grow; you make me white as snow.

Please help me now Im in need,

Help me move on from these deeds.


I know weve been here before,

I need forgiveness once more.

Im crying cause I hate myself,

Taking advantage of your wealth.

Please hold my hand,

While I walk through temptations on land.

I am helpless; I am captive,

I am worthless; I am vapid.

Please touch my heart,

I dont want to part.

Ever again cause when I do,

Like now I cry to you.


I want to dream forever,

I want insensibility till death.

Dont wake me if my eyes are closed.

Dont shake me if I dont respond,

Cause REM is what I lust for.

When Im sailing in my thoughts,

No one can tell me what is just.

There is no concept of whats right.

When I feel in love,

Is in my bed at night.

In this state I can never feel left behind,

When I drift away your always mine.

In this somnolence my family and i can never part,

 Trance to slumber fill my heart.

october 29th, 2003

Today I am giving up and giving in,

I will no longer seek out your sin.

I forfeit all my emotions to the sky,

And forget all the looks in your eye.

Beauty and laughter is not always happiness,

I want to change to careless instead of helpless.

I envision the days or tomorrow,

And I no longer wallow in sorrow.

Love doesnt have to be my only mission,

With or without Im no longer wishing.

Whatever is supposed to happen can,

Because today I close my eyes for you to lead me on my lifes plan.

The Girls I know   October 28th, 2003

Sitting in the shadows,

A knife in her hands.

Cutting slowly into her flesh,

She feels the adrenalin release.

The liquid red shows that she's real,

The scars will remind her how she feels.

Pain becomes vivid with blood,

So many tears have seen,

The depression in her veins.

Long sleeves may cover her obsession,

Her minds memories never can fade.


Please save me, please help me.

I dont want to die but I dont want to cry.

Alone I fall to the depths of depression.


In her room her heart races and she debates,

She see's death as her only answer,

Desperation and pessimism eats her like cancer.

Pills and alcohol are filling her system,

Palms up and open mouth she drifts,

To be found by those who care not.


I have nothing left to give,

There is nothing left to take,

So forget my life for your sake.


Too many drugs have taken over,

And now a blanket of confusion lies,

What is real and is she fake,

She cant give but only take,

She cant go back she cant go on,

Distorted images in her mind play like a marathon

LSD is her lover,

How can she live with out?


I dont have a problem,

Its the world thats corrupt,

I can seize when I wish too.

Forgivness and Friendship October 22ed, 2003

Id like to dedicate this song,

To whom Ive hated for so long.

Now that I have found out,

What giving forgiveness is all about.

Now I really see,

How hard love can be.

Lets forget the past,

We both know this friendship was meant to last.

In the future,

Lets be mature.

Please dont go away again,

Girl you know I want you as my friend.

We can go to Dennys to have a talk,

We can go down town and take a walk.

Like the kind we used to take,

My smiles for you arent fake.

You cant die on me,

We can both flee,

The proximity,

Of society.

Life can only suck for so long till its better,

Im sorry that I wouldnt read your letter.

But now that I have I know,

That I love you so please dont go.

Our First Kiss October23rd, 2003

Im gonna die without a kiss from him, thats my biggest fear

Its a horror if I have to wait another year.

My knees will get so weak I will melt,

And my lips will tell you how ive felt.

When its that perfect time,

I will sigh and youll be mine.

My hands will shake and probably tingle,

Cause you will no longer be single.

We will come together and be one,

So kiss me when you feel your intuition.

In that moment I wont have to worry,

Even though my emotions will be fantastic and blurry.

I might have to get on my tip toes to reach your lips,

But you can just hold me by my hips.

So dont wait forever to bring me such ecstasy,

The day that you and I will be we.

Rock Stars October 22ed, 2003.

You play and instrument for your own glory,

Ive seen your kind so many times I know your story.

Care more about your hair than the way your music sounds,

 You play with girls hearts and turn their smiles into frowns.

Im not the kind of girl to care whom with you associate,

Stop pretending that you know me and that we can relate.


So, stop asking me out,

Im gonna say no.

Stop bragging to me,

I still wont go.


I dont care than you bought new shoes or a new car,

I wish that you would run away some place real far.

Why dont you like someone who worships you?

Id rather love someone whose heart is true.

You want to be a starving artist,

Id like it for you to meet my fist.




So, stop asking me out,

Im never gonna be a prize,

Stop talking to me,

Its you that I despise.


Youre not my type cause I dont date ego maniacs,

Youre not my style cause you never seem to relax.


Questions that can never be answered...

How come we get to vote on everything but who we kill,

How come those who are sick are left ill?

The answers to these questions I do not hold,

Blame belongs to those with positions of gold.

Blood lost over who belongs in heaven,

Planes and buildings blowing up on 9-11.

Who can defend these acts?

Who can mend these cracks?

2050 Twelve billion will breathe on earth,

How then shall a man show his worth?

Did we forget how America gave funds to Iraq?

We fight the system we provided with an attack.

Did we forget when America trained the leaders in the East?

Despite Clinton bombing a factory of innocent people; is he not a beast?

No one is faultless in a system of war,

Its easy to promote when its never been out side our front door.

You may think these thoughts importune,

Yet hatred can never stop too soon.

Take a second look at the guise,

You may find your state of surprise.

I cant help feeling helpless,

Im overwhelmed by you.

The chance that you might feel the same,

Is whats killing me.

Now I know what every sad song was talking about.

Now heart break is something I understand.

I wont give up on this.

Cause ive liked you for so long.

Other girls may like you now,

But I will forever.

Marry me, ill make you happy.

Love me, ill never stop loving you.

Just tell me how you feel.

You are the first thought in the morning,

And the one I dream about at night

I like you.

7 days since i saw you but it feels like a year.

havent heard your voice and 5 more minutes without i do fear.

i just want to get close to you again,

i want you and its geting harder to pretend.

 ca-ca-ca-call me,

te-te-te-tell me that you like me.

cause i like you, yeah i like you.

ki-ki-ki-kiss me,

te-te-te-tell me that you like me.

cause i like you, yeah i like you.

 100 times i think about you every day,

imagine what itd be like to hear you say...

that you want me like i want you,

that youd love to date me too.

 hu-hu-hu-hug me,

te-te-te-tell me that you like me.

cause i like you, yeah i like you.

la-la-la-laugh with me,

cause i like you, yeah i like you.

every night,

a new face.

every night,

a new place.

nothing of substance,

creates a vapid air.

no talk of love,

creates a solid stare.

take me but dont leave me.

hold me for the long run.

at the time you feel free,

 really its a captive state to be.

every second its a crying plea.

A new found feeling.

All this time Ive felt so empty and cold,

Never thought my soul could be sold.

Filled with awkward confidence,

Now overcome by repentance.


It was you that I needed,

You I deleted,

Now Im completed.


Joy in my hearts been planted,

All my life I took for granted.

Viewing through new eyes,

Loving what I tried to despise.

how did i learn to become the way i am today,

what kind of choices made me this way?


help me to breathe, me.


the daze feeling in the morning,

the haze in my eyes at night.

the thoughts being this way forever,

the chance happiness being severed.

in destittude or in the city,

people only show you pitty.


help me to breathe, me.


the grass is dead here, the grass is dead on the otherside.


and this is where i stand, i stand alone, i will always, forever alone.

and this is where i fall today, air rushing past me and i collapse, i fall alone, forever alone.

September  27th 2003

Think back to America minus a hundred years,

When people still worked through blood, sweat and tears.

Minorities still slept with fear,

 Society was driven with Christianity as its steer.

Women still had no rights,

The states were at war in a blood filled fight.

Today the people complain but dont vote,

Fill there life with glamour trying to find the right anecdote.

Millions still die of starvation over seas,

But America covers there ears to these pleas.

Vast majorities die from cigarettes,

Phillip Morris has no regrets.

Alcohol causing most suicide,

Yet mellow marijuana is still denied.

The "war on drugs" is a fallacy

 Realistically, a war on non conformists who see differently.

 President McKinley tried to break the people,

Force them under his power and steeple.

*unfinished song

Rape Written in 2001
She stumbles around, falls face down.
Bleeding; shes hurt,
Face caked with dirt.
She feels so used now,
Woundering; how?
She put her self in this position,
To be tourtured and feel such disposition.
She cried as her tears burned,
Hurts from these tricks turned.
Silent now with no one to tell,
No one can relate to her hell.
She wishes she'd never had a drink,
Wishing it was down the sink.
The smells beside her are rank,
Her mind races but she feels blank.
Eye black and blue,
Shirt and bra ripped through.
Realitys been altered,
mind set has been faultered.
Mouth open but silence rings out,
Tried to scream as he muffled her shouts.

an idea
we can start a revolution.
rip the label
break the barrier
damn the man
open arms, embrace ourselves.
no one breaking us now
lets bring justice
faithful independance
righteous minds united
no longer states divided
hate can be subsided
if your happiness lies in being out of control, your destructive role will take its toll.
we can start a revolution
put down your posion solution
break the silence
love the heartless
open arms embrace others
erase the stereotypes
shame lost
pride put aside
righteous minds united no longer states divided
hate can be subsided

As our world evolves,
the hearts of the young desinigrate.
as americas weath revolves,
hate and crime fluctuate.
depression rapes our generation,
what will the future hold?
War is the new sensation,
that's what the governments sold.

August 5th, 2003
Tears of sarrow steal my face,
since this dissorder has taken place.
little brother you have so much to give,
so much more life to live.
dont take away the strength you hold,
dont turn your heart cold.
youve tried so hard to be discreet,
but i see whats your defeat.
take my hand ill help you stand.
teach me how to understand.
someone take away this pain, society has told him theres somethign to gain.
creation want ment to face starvation.
just give me a smile, that once was your style.

Generation Unfolding.

Her whole life she was down on here knees to pray,

But now shes on them in a different way.

Daddies little girl turned away,

Mommys sweet angel turned astray.

Obsession without discression,

Choices without reflection.

Little girl dont throw away your life,

Little girl dont hold the knife.

You have your whole life to live,

Be careful with the pieces you give.

Her family is blinded by the lies she tells,

Living in a house where no one yells.

If you cant see the problem its not there,

Little girl living without a care.

Dont just spread your legs,

And fill your life with smoke and kegs.

Little girl dont throw away your life,

Little girl dont hold the knife.

You have your whole life to live,

Be careful with the pieces you give.

The Distance

Im tired of feeling everything is out of reach,

Im sick of feeling distanced from you,

Im frustrated that I have no where to run.

I want to be near you.

I want to be near anyone.

I wish to be free of this.

I wish to feel your soft kiss.

Someone come, and rescue me.

I need to find a way to flee.

The rose is a thorn.

Wishing you could not care,

You hide and ask why people stare.

Every time you try to stand,

Your knees bend and you fall.

Unnecessary to fake being strong,

Its okay to admit that you are wrong.

Dont fit into there perfect mold,

Open your arms and embrace your self.

Open your eyes and see your flaws.

When you find out what needs to change,

Then you can truly be free to smile.

You do not need my permission to be free of this,

We both got caught up in the wrong things.

I have moved on and so should you.

Let your anger go,

Let your inner soul show.

Soak up every moment and you will see,

That living is not just running in circles.

Be a Rose , not a thorn.


Many times I find myself,

Going against what I've been told is best.

But now that I know you,

Im overcome with restlessness.

I hold hope in my heart,

And wipe another tear.

Knowing this wont work,

Is more of a notion than a fear.

My loneliness was stolen by your smile.

For now I will dream of you.

A Moment More

My chest beats like a drum at the sound of you.

Every instant is waiting to be with you.

My smile is stretching when I think of you.

I get chills and sigh at the thought of you.

My eyes wish to see the bliss of you.

I pray just to kiss you.

.I would faint at the chance to be near you.

My heart will never be without you.I am afraid I wont see you fast enough.

Im frightened you will loose hope so be tough.

I wish you could console me more.

I want you to know I'll wait forever and a moment more.My soul skips to hear the laugh of you.

Eyes have weaped from the absence of you.

I float on air when I talk with you.

Mind and heart are in love with you

Give anything to touch you.

Sleep fills my mind with dreams of you.

Please say I can be with you.

It should be love just me and you.I am afraid I will not see you fast enough.

Im frightened you will loose sight so be tough.

I wish you could console me more.

I want you to know I'll wait forever and a moment more.




"We do not write to be understood... We write to understand. " - C.Day Lewis

bah bah blacksheep,

talk about your fake Suicide ,

hope everyone will run to your side.

teenage politics but no ones vote counts but yours,

your on the team but no one scores.

according to you the poor and meek should die and fall,

if only you could see how your brain is so small.

you hate who is smarter than you,

somone who acually knows two plus two.

true friends do not stab you in the back,

true friends do not even own a knife.

if youd check out the statistics,

no one cares about your dramatics.

those who usually need attention most,

stand quietly by like a ghost.

love poem for the loveless
night time falls and I drift slowly,
to the thoughts of fearing death...
but mostly fearing not living a full life.
why must i be the single person alone...
everyone has lover but me it seems,
why is it never my time...
and what if my clock runs out
before it even began to tick.
its like being a butterfly without wings,
like the hurt of a bee when it stings.
just when i see a glimps of soemthing real,
i find out its false things that i feel.

Beauty on The Horizon
I can see what can be in the future,
please God let him be mine forever.
I'm a person who won't be overcome,
but what if he is ?
then it wasnt ment to  be,
but it has to be love.
because no matter how many days pass i think of him clearly.
states can get in the way,
but i know he broke up with her for the love of me.
which will be for him always.
i dont care that you hurt me ,
or that sometimes you forget to call me...
because you care for me and i miss you more and more,
each day that passes me by with out the nights of you.
please dont forget our fireworks ,
the beach and the feel of it all because...
i can give you that feeling for the rest of your life....

Heavy Heart Beats
We can go months without calling,
but every time we do we both end up falling.
all over again the need to breathe you in,
i love you even though you were my first sin.
it was the best time of our lives we agree,
but it's not the same without the kisses of you and me.
don't give up on me please,
put your horrible thoughts to ease.
parted we wont be eternaly,
cause in my heart you will be.

Little Brother Bobby
You were Mommy's little angel,
and Daddys perfect son.
you were number one at everything,
but then you came undone.
Can't you see these tears are yours?
I love you till we die.
Why do you push me so far away?
and leave me here to cry.
You are sick but you can get better,
I wish I could take your pain away.
I've laughed Ive cried I've screamed for you,
but I can't make you healthy today.
Little brother rember when we were kids,
hidding easter eggs and spitting.
I still hold these memorys fond,
but it feels like you are quitting.
Mom crys out in her dreams,
Dad is in denile.
I understand your hurting brother,
but this feeling in my heart is vile.
Do want to die in a hospital,
just because you cant eat.
You used to be so strong,
dont let this be your defeat....

I can't stand the way you smell,
sometimes i dream of hell.
I hate the way you make me feel,
you make everything a huge oredeal.
i loathe the way you put me last,
and all the girl friends of your past.
but no matter how many times,
i write these cheesy ryhmes.
it wont change a thing,
of all the wounder you bring.
cause even when i hate you,
my love still stands true.

random words
i thought you would be the one never to hide things from me, but you do and I'm not as blind as you may think. You were supposed to be the one to never break my heart, i despise everyone of these miles apart. you had a girl friend but you said you loved me too, but when i said it, my lines were not see through. I ment what i said and i still do because i want to be with only you. Your not my type and i still dont care, but its hard to trust someone whos never their. I wish you would just be honest with me and spare me this fucking sensitivity. Honestly there are tears in my eyes, but when you have my life, thats no surprise. I hate to be a girl and to care what you feel, but atleast i express what i think is real. your so obsessed with your own thoughts, that i seem to just be forgotten alot.

Wispered Words Now Told

a piece of me died today,

ii just weaped with no words to say.

i feel so alone,

my heart was just thrown

i know im not your girl,

but it almost felt that way.

a tear is falling,

all i hear is betray.

im not going to feel better tommrow,

or the day fter that will be sorrow.

you were the first guy i ever trusted,

please tell me this isnt true.

i should have known you were too nice,

now my soul pays the price.


my heart hurts,  i cant breathe.  my eyes sting,   i can't see.

I couldn't belive my ears today,

i was stunned with nothing to say.

I guess this is my fault for caring,

but theres no one worth compairing.

its the feeling when someone cutts you deep,

a wound forever i shall keep.

so next time you kiss her lips,

i hope that you feel like this.

my heart hurts, i cant breathe. my eyes sting, i can't see.




Till Tuesday
The beauty I miss of your eyes,
the love struck feeling of surprise.
The hurt I feel when were apart,
the sun you bring into my heart.
What I'd give for just one kiss,
die for 3 more seconds of your bliss.
Tell me what I mean to you,
share your words if they are true.
Remembering the day I drove away,
much thought but none to say.
Your in my dreams my dear,
but your just a memory I do fear.


The Beautiful risk of seeing your face,

the kiss no other lips could replace.

I hate this feeling of friendship,

when I know I'm wanting more,

but is it ever possible...

i feel my heart is tore.

you ask me why I moved away,

but there are no more sad words to say.

i cannot help where i lye,

to this love i wish not to say goodbye.

i do not know what the future holds,

but i hope its you holding me in the cold.

should i be happy your my friend,

or feel devistation that that's where it might end....

a girl i used to know
im sorry i killed you,
but you were dying already.
your wrists were fresh cut,
so i took a gun and finished you off.
now everyone blames me for killing you,
but didnt you start it off?
i was just trying to help you,
and at the time i thought i was right.
now your burried underground,
where many others are already hallow.
only a few came to your funeral,
the other half were trying to finish me too.
but i stuck to a diffrent plan,
now your the only one see through.
i feel sorry for your soul,
it must hurt so bad,
to be so angry, so frightened so sad.