I wake up every day and my pink alarm clock screams at me so loud my fist hits it so hard and I hate it so much because it means that I have to get my feet to the itchy carpet and push with my legs till im standing and walk to the bathroom and pee and then start my day in a hurry, always in a hurry. When im feeling unrushed it’s because it’s fake and only lasts for a moment, how funny things come and go except a few things that matter like friendship love and faith. love, this new word which I have used for any words but never new what such words actually felt like, love is actions, love is sleeping sound, love is your face love is your laugh and mine colliding. love in kissing but not for too long to not get carried away love is when my feet are aching all day and smelly but you still offer to rub them and even though unembarrassed I let you...love is 15 dollars to drive to Sacramento and telling the truth when it hurts and I love this love and I want this love with everyone in my life unconditional...I never new what love was until I knew I hadn’t a clue what love was now I feel as if my heart might blow my chest I want to love everyone around me and especially those that matter most, especially the one they say is a ghost but I know he is living because he taught me this love this awesome love and now im trying to love myself but that is the hardest part, I never used to fail until lately, all I do is fail but im learning and my alarm clock is getting less annoying but still makes me bitter, I never play guitar I used to do that, I never hug my dad enough, I love him so much ive seen him grow so much in the last year, don’t give up dad please stay on track I need a track in a positive direction with this family just once don’t make me move out move on move in to the future without you like I want to do with mom and mom don’t say a single word cause im trying to love you even though you withheld the knowledge of how to do that, mom when my boyfriend hugs me I feel weird because you never taught me how to accept this type of love that he’s giving to me you never thought me that...but im trying to forgive you so I will stop. how great would it be if I could show you love and you wouldn’t even know what hit you because you would have no concept of this prior event....how great would that be....how unrealistic am I? im not sure, im to shy to guess because if I take one more leap of faith with you I might soar to the bottom of the greatest ocean so low that my ear drums blow out and I will be so deep I cannot hear that bellowing alarm clock when it goes off so early in the morning....but I wont because I am learning to float, that’s a big part of love, a big part of love is a kiss and a hug not a fist and a shove, im learning this....and that is what love is for....for learning because if we can learn how to love we can learn how to change lives....and changed lives are changed forever if the impact is great enough but I am just so full off words, of prayers, of thoughts, of frustrations, of emotions and im so full of love....love....what a great word to finally understand...love.

That night I was not myself.

I was bold and frustrated.

Never thought that I would ask,

What I wanted to seek out for so long.

Outside my heart thumped so dangerously,

Words were spilling unto the ground.

Tears of black falling onto my chin.

Like sorrow was releasing from within.

First, I thought it was over,

In the end, it is okay.

Or is it?

Now I am anxious,

Not entirely confused anymore.

Even writing this is too hard.

To express what I felt that night.

Then I wonder, if this is what God wants.

Am I acting selfish?

And passing them off for his will?

sleep

I want to dream forever,

I want insensibility till death.

Dont wake me if my eyes are closed.

Dont shake me if I dont respond,

Cause REM is what I lust for.

When Im sailing in my thoughts,

No one can tell me what is just.

There is no concept of whats right.

When I feel in love,

Is in my bed at night.

In this state I can never feel left behind,

When I drift away your always mine.

In this somnolence my family and i can never part,

 Trance to slumber fill my heart.

october 29th, 2003

Today I am giving up and giving in,

I will no longer seek out your sin.

I forfeit all my emotions to the sky,

And forget all the looks in your eye.

Beauty and laughter is not always happiness,

I want to change to careless instead of helpless.

I envision the days or tomorrow,

And I no longer wallow in sorrow.

Love doesnt have to be my only mission,

With or without Im no longer wishing.

Whatever is supposed to happen can,

Because today I close my eyes for you to lead me on my lifes plan.

The Girls I know   October 28th, 2003

Sitting in the shadows,

A knife in her hands.

Cutting slowly into her flesh,

She feels the adrenalin release.

The liquid red shows that she's real,

The scars will remind her how she feels.

Pain becomes vivid with blood,

So many tears have seen,

The depression in her veins.

Long sleeves may cover her obsession,

Her minds memories never can fade.

Please save me, please help me.

I dont want to die but I dont want to cry.

Alone I fall to the depths of depression.

In her room her heart races and she debates,

She see's death as her only answer,

Desperation and pessimism eats her like cancer.

Pills and alcohol are filling her system,

Palms up and open mouth she drifts,

To be found by those who care not.

I have nothing left to give,

There is nothing left to take,

So forget my life for your sake.

Too many drugs have taken over,

And now a blanket of confusion lies,

What is real and is she fake,

She cant give but only take,

She cant go back she cant go on,

Distorted images in her mind play like a marathon

LSD is her lover,

How can she live with out?

I dont have a problem,

Its the world thats corrupt,

I can seize when I wish too.

Rock Stars October 22ed, 2003.

You play and instrument for your own glory,

Ive seen your kind so many times I know your story.

Care more about your hair than the way your music sounds,

 You play with girls hearts and turn their smiles into frowns.

Im not the kind of girl to care whom with you associate,

Stop pretending that you know me and that we can relate.

So, stop asking me out,

Im gonna say no.

Stop bragging to me,

I still wont go.

I dont care than you bought new shoes or a new car,

I wish that you would run away some place real far.

Why dont you like someone who worships you?

Id rather love someone whose heart is true.

You want to be a starving artist,

Id like it for you to meet my fist.

So, stop asking me out,

Im never gonna be a prize,

Stop talking to me,

Its you that I despise.

Youre not my type cause I dont date ego maniacs,

Youre not my style cause you never seem to relax.

Questions that can never be answered...

How come we get to vote on everything but who we kill,

How come those who are sick are left ill?

The answers to these questions I do not hold,

Blame belongs to those with positions of gold.

Blood lost over who belongs in heaven,

Planes and buildings blowing up on 9-11.

Who can defend these acts?

Who can mend these cracks?

2050 Twelve billion will breathe on earth,

How then shall a man show his worth?

Did we forget how America gave funds to Iraq?

We fight the system we provided with an attack.

Did we forget when America trained the leaders in the East?

Despite Clinton bombing a factory of innocent people; is he not a beast?

No one is faultless in a system of war,

Its easy to promote when its never been out side our front door.

You may think these thoughts importune,

Yet hatred can never stop too soon.

Take a second look at the guise,

You may find your state of surprise.

I like you.

7 days since i saw you but it feels like a year.

havent heard your voice and 5 more minutes without i do fear.

i just want to get close to you again,

i want you and its geting harder to pretend.

 ca-ca-ca-call me,

te-te-te-tell me that you like me.

cause i like you, yeah i like you.

ki-ki-ki-kiss me,

te-te-te-tell me that you like me.

cause i like you, yeah i like you.

 100 times i think about you every day,

imagine what itd be like to hear you say...

that you want me like i want you,

that youd love to date me too.

 hu-hu-hu-hug me,

te-te-te-tell me that you like me.

cause i like you, yeah i like you.

la-la-la-laugh with me,

cause i like you, yeah i like you.

every night,

a new face.

every night,

a new place.

nothing of substance,

creates a vapid air.

no talk of love,

creates a solid stare.

take me but dont leave me.

hold me for the long run.

at the time you feel free,

 really its a captive state to be.

every second its a crying plea.

A new found feeling.

All this time Ive felt so empty and cold,

Never thought my soul could be sold.

Filled with awkward confidence,

Now overcome by repentance.

It was you that I needed,

You I deleted,

Now Im completed.

Joy in my hearts been planted,

All my life I took for granted.

Viewing through new eyes,

Loving what I tried to despise.

how did i learn to become the way i am today,

what kind of choices made me this way?

help me to breathe,

someone...anyone....please...help me.

the daze feeling in the morning,

the haze in my eyes at night.

the thoughts being this way forever,

the chance happiness being severed.

in destittude or in the city,

people only show you pitty.

help me to breathe,

someone...anyone....please...help me.

the grass is dead here, the grass is dead on the otherside.

and this is where i stand, i stand alone, i will always, forever alone.

and this is where i fall today, air rushing past me and i collapse, i fall alone, forever alone.

September  27th 2003

*unfinished song

Generation Unfolding.

Her whole life she was down on here knees to pray,

But now shes on them in a different way.

Daddies little girl turned away,

Mommys sweet angel turned astray.

Obsession without discression,

Choices without reflection.

Little girl dont throw away your life,

Little girl dont hold the knife.

You have your whole life to live,

Be careful with the pieces you give.

Her family is blinded by the lies she tells,

Living in a house where no one yells.

If you cant see the problem its not there,

Little girl living without a care.

Dont just spread your legs,

And fill your life with smoke and kegs.

Little girl dont throw away your life,

Little girl dont hold the knife.

You have your whole life to live,

Be careful with the pieces you give.

The Distance

Im tired of feeling everything is out of reach,

Im sick of feeling distanced from you,

Im frustrated that I have no where to run.

I want to be near you.

I want to be near anyone.

I wish to be free of this.

I wish to feel your soft kiss.

Someone come, and rescue me.

I need to find a way to flee.

The rose is a thorn.

Wishing you could not care,

You hide and ask why people stare.

Every time you try to stand,

Your knees bend and you fall.

Unnecessary to fake being strong,

Its okay to admit that you are wrong.

Dont fit into there perfect mold,

Open your arms and embrace your self.

Open your eyes and see your flaws.

When you find out what needs to change,

Then you can truly be free to smile.

You do not need my permission to be free of this,

We both got caught up in the wrong things.

I have moved on and so should you.

Let your anger go,

Let your inner soul show.

Soak up every moment and you will see,

That living is not just running in circles.

Be a Rose , not a thorn.

Summer

Many times I find myself,

Going against what I've been told is best.

But now that I know you,

Im overcome with restlessness.

I hold hope in my heart,

And wipe another tear.

Knowing this wont work,

Is more of a notion than a fear.

My loneliness was stolen by your smile.

For now I will dream of you.

bah bah blacksheep,

talk about your fake Suicide ,

hope everyone will run to your side.

teenage politics but no ones vote counts but yours,

your on the team but no one scores.

according to you the poor and meek should die and fall,

if only you could see how your brain is so small.

you hate who is smarter than you,

somone who acually knows two plus two.

true friends do not stab you in the back,

true friends do not even own a knife.

if youd check out the statistics,

no one cares about your dramatics.

those who usually need attention most,

stand quietly by like a ghost.